Tuesday, October 09, 2018

Cheap and easy Halloween costumes that don't make you look cheap and easy


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You'll need: Perfectly arched eyebrows, prudish black dress, cream face paint to resemble cold cream, curlers to create the 'do, white cloth headband. As a prop, carry around a child's pink frilly dress on a wire hanger.

How to get into character: Burst into over dramatic and over-the-top fits of rage screaming, "No... wire... hangers!" Then follow up with, "EVER!"

Lydia Deetz From Beetlejuice
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What you'll need: Black clothing and accessories, pale foundation, brown eyeshadow, hair gel or mousse, hair elastic. Apply foundation until you look gothickly ghostly and then create under eye circles with eyeshadow. Pull back a handful of hair to create a knot on the top of your head with the hair elastic and then tease the crap out of it. Shape your bangs into pointy locks against your forehead with the aid of hair product.

How to get into character: Say depressing things like, "My whole life is a dark room. One big dark room."

Jocelyn Wildenstein a.k.a. "Cat Lady"
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You'll need: Blond wig that looks as fake as possible, Scotch tape, lip liner, nude lipstick, rosy cream blush, shimmer powder, dark eyeliner. Apply eyeliner and then attach a piece of tape to each outer corner of your eyes. Pull skin back and taut until you attain the desired "cat eye" effect. They should be mismatched. Use lip liner to overdraw lips and fill in with lipstick. Make sure to do a really crappy job. Then attach two more pieces of tape to outer corners of mouth and pull skin back and taut to create unnaturally hollowed cheeks. Cover entire face with a layer of blush to make skin look irritated and then apply shimmer on top for the plasticky effect.

How to get into character: Be an attention whore.


Carrie White's Crazy Jesus-Loving Mom

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You'll need: Crazy hair, old-fashioned white nightgown, prop kitchen knife, Bible. 

How to get into character: Go up to random females dressed in skanky Halloween costumes and tell them that their breasts are "dirty pillows" and that they should go to their closet and pray to seek forgiveness. Read verses from the Bible that condemn whores. Plaster a maniacal smile on your face and attempt to stab people with your kitchen knife. Mrs. White is also known for saying, "They’re all gonna laugh at you."

Even better if you get someone to go as your daughter Carrie with bloodstained prom dress. Another cheap and easy costume. Just splatter a dress with food coloring and drench exposed body parts with fake blood. Not at all sticky or uncomfortable. Unless you go to a danceclub for some reason.
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Lt. Sharon "Boomer" Valerii From Battlestar Galactica
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You'll need: Straight, mid or side-parted brunette wig if you don't have a similar hairstyle, layered gray and black tank tops, cargo pants, silver medallion that can be tucked into shirt to disguise it's inauthenticity, utility belt stuffed with gear, tools and electronic devices. Old cell phones would work.

How to get into character: Strike sexy battle poses and say "frack!" a lot.

Zoe Washburne From Firefly, Serenity
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You'll need: A wig if your hair isn't naturally long and curly, leather cord to fashion into "marriage bond necklace," long sleeved open collar shirt worn underneath red/brown vest or form-fitting black leather jacket, tight pants, brown leather wristband, knee-high black boots. Black belt with bronze buckle and separate belt with for ammo can be found at an army surplus. Substitute bullets with AA sized batteries. You'll probably have to go without a replica of her Mare's Leg sidearm and holster but a toy rifle would be a decent substitution, if you saw off part of the barrel to shorten.

How to get into character: Strut around like a badass.

Lisbeth Salander From Stieg Larsson's Millenium Series
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You'll need: Greasy hair, grungy black leather jacket, dark t-shirt, well-worn black jeans, industrial boots, black eyeliner, squinty eyes, laptop, silver jewelry, plenty of 'tude. Go heavy on the eyeliner. Temporary dragon tattoo optional.

How to get into character: Give people death stares for so much as looking at you. Avoid talking to people. Solve murders and find missing persons via your laptop.

Log Lady From Twin Peaks
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You'll need: Grandpa sweater, plaid shirt, red-rimmed glasses, unflattering blue jeans and a log.

How to get into character: Whenever someone speaks to you, glare at them and hug your log. If they insist on talking but you can't remember any of Log Lady's cryptic quotes (I sure can't) then reply, "One day my log will have something to say about this."

Chemist/Physicist Marie Curie
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You'll need: Prudish high-necked dress preferably black, knotted updo with frizz, lab beaker or test tube filled with blue glow-in-the-dark paint or water with blue food dye. Glow-in-the-dark body paint to depict "radiation poisoning" optional.

How to get into character: Stare intensely at your test tube.

Daenerys Stormborn From Game of Thrones
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You'll need: Long platinum blonde wig with two side braids pulled back, brown v-tank top, camel or brown pants encrusted with dirt underneath a torn khaki skirt, dusty boots. Don't forget to work in some red food coloring to depict the blood stains from when you gobbled up that horse heart at your Dothraki baby shower. As a prop you can attach a toy dragon to your shoulder or if you are handy with art supplies you can make a dragon's  egg with a balloon, papier mache, cardboard diamond-shaped cutouts to add texture, and acrylic paint to avoid crumbling. 

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How to get into character: Act wide-eyed and innocent. Lament the loss of your beloved warlord hubby and unborn future warlord baby.

 Clothing Designer Karl Lagerfeld
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You'll need: Pony-tailed white wig, shades, white frou-frou shirt paired with black suit, fingerless black gloves.

How to get into character: Fake a German accent and sneak into photos with people who think they are models.

Dagger Debs From The Jezebels
This can be a group ensemble. 
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Lace, Leader of the Debs
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You'll need: Lacy black tank top, leather jacket, denim, lots of leather and metal accessories, switchblade and gun. She also likes to wear a black leather cabbie hat.

How to get into character: Boss people around in a squeaky whiny voice, threaten lives and be bratty.

Patch, Lace's One-Eyed Deb-uty
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You'll need: Black blouse, black denim jacket, wide black belt with silver studs, silver eye-patch (can be a black pirate patch painted silver), switchblade and gun.

How to get into character: Look smug. Get into fights with people who can beat your ass.

Maggie, The Usurper
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You'll need: Denim booty shorts, v-neck long-sleeved blouse, white roller-skates, switchblade and gun.

How to get into character: Steal Lace's boyfriend, take over the Dagger Debs and rename them the Jezebels.

You can also look at photos of iconic ladies for inspiration:

Billie Holiday
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Coco Chanel
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Frida Kahlo
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Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Delete

I keep deleting entries from this thing and starting over. It's a continuous process that will never end. I compose an entry that I don't think sounds completely retarded and like, a month or two later I go back and read it and I sound like a teenage girl on crack! Deleeeeeete.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Gay dance clubs

I rarely go out to clubs but when I do, I like to go to gay dance clubs. Totally different experience from straight dance clubs. There's voguing instead of groping and then I usually make out with the only straight male in the unisex bathroom. Or maybe it's a female. I'm usually too drunk to notice at that point.

Saturday, June 01, 2013

Sometimes

Sometimes you just wanna sit on a curb and smoke some nasty cigs while discussing how shitty life is with some dykes who are only talking to you because they think your goth biker chick look is hot.

Thursday, May 09, 2013

Possibly an alcoholic

Brunch: mimosa
Snack: Irish coffee with whiskey
Dinner: Scotch